Thursday, 7 July 2016

Losing my direction

OK so this focussing on recovering and changing aspects of my life that put strain on my body and cause stress is proving harder than I thought - I'm ashamed to admit that I feel as though I have lost my way somewhat.  Always being the one driving everything, taking the initiative, and being disciplined is hard and I can't decide if I'm simply not up to the job, can't change the things I need to change because they are too deeply instilled, or need some support from somewhere.  Much as I'm inclined to believe the first and second ones of these, I think I'm going to choose support - not sure where to access that, but I need a bit of someone telling me what to do to keep me on the straight and narrow.  I think otherwise I'm at risk of frittering away this recovery time and not getting the best out of it so that I make the changes that will keep me healthy and happy.   I seem to be very good at the analysis of my situation and behaviour but not so good at setting objectives and sticking to them.  Perhaps that has always been a problem of mine - I've tried many times to lose weight, and always fell short of the target, mainly because of a lapse and then not getting straight back on with things, or not having the time to plan my meals and things.

It is hard to know exactly what to tackle and in what order.  I think at the moment though I don't feel that much has really changed.  Yes I'm a stone lighter (thanks to a fortunate side effect of some of the meds I'm on), and I am gradually increasing my activity, but not perhaps in the way that I need to.  I really feel that next week will help, when I get my exercise test and echocardiogram which will give me more information about my capabilities and how to build my strength up.

I'm finding looking after the boys quite stressful and that worries me - I feel constant pressure from them to do things for them, get things for them etc - and sometimes from all sides.  S doesn't get the same at all.  Nor does he get two boys landing on him when he sits down on a sofa to relax - whilst the cuddles are nice, sometimes I just want to sit and maybe watch something on tv.  I hate it when they argue, it is impossible to play games with them at the moment because J in particular (but M as well to some extent) is such a bad loser, and can't hack it if he doesn't get the hang of something immediately.  Sometimes I wish I could say to them ok, now we are going to do xxxx and have them both just go along with it with no argument.  No chance.

On the positive side - I've still had no definite symptoms from my heart - a couple of suspect moments but nothing that I can definitively say is something happening there.  My blood pressure is good, and I've taken every tablet I've been asked to since I was first admitted to hospital - and believe me that is a lot of pills.  Also, I am not having any reaction to increasing my activity level so far, but I'm too scared to really test myself to the point of breathlessness, which I think is perhaps what I'm meant to be doing.

I also have two extremely happy and excited boys as I have managed to get Dan TDM tour tickets for his Sheffield show on 17th September.  I wound them up by telling them it was sold out, then revealed that when I went on the website this morning at 10am it wasn't sold out, and I bought 3 tickets.  There is still one extra big surprise that I haven't told them about.  S doesn't want to come with us, so I will just have to ogle at young Dan (whilst remembering that he is young enough to be my son).

I'd better go before M sees what I've just typed - he keeps coming over and trying to read what I've written on here.  In terms of my reflections on getting over the heart attack, I will sleep on it and come to some decisions as to how to take things forward tomorrow.  Am I procrastinating?  Probably but I need to do some thinking and info gathering as well.  Hey ho...

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