Twinges and other scary things...

Again, I'm afraid this is going to be another slightly negative post - I haven't had a great day today so far.  I had a crap night's sleep courtesy of an active mind, a bird in the house (thanks cats) and a cat fight outside.  I've woken up feeling a bit weak and feeble today and I'm not quite sure why.  Nothing I can completely pinpoint, but I just don't feel 100% - nothing hurts, bp and pulse are great (bp a bit on the low side - 113/66 for example, pulse around 55).  I've taken all the tablets I'm supposed to, but I just feel a bit waffy, and I don't like it.

Of course, this sets one's mind into paranoid mode, so you are constantly on the lookout for signs, symptoms that might indicate heart trouble.  I had a twinge at the top of my left shoulder, not the same ache as the pain that took me to hospital, but it was enough to send me into panic.  I literally had the GTN spray open in my hand at one point, but decided I'd wait.  I haven't tried the GTN spray yet, and if I'm honest I'm scared to.  It can give you a throbbing headache and make you dizzy, both things that I'm really not keen on - light headedness is probably my big hate, but then again it is better than another heart attack.

I tried to rest, but couldn't settle so in the end I decided being busy was perhaps the best way to distract myself, so I've done some housework, I've got the tennis on (Raonic vs Federer in the Mens' Semi Final at Wimbledon) and here I am updating this blog.  It has helped to take my mind off the fretting I was doing, so I think it perhaps was the best plan.  I feel ok, but just not as good as I have on other days.  I know that that is how life goes - even if you haven't had a heart attack you have days where you feel good and days where you feel not so good, but getting used to days where you don't feel so good in the context of having heart trouble is scary.

On a lighter note, J won the cup at school this morning and it was lovely to be able to be there to see him get it.  He was a little shocked and very pleased, no doubt he'll be asking for extra pocket money when he gets home.  I am really pleased as it was for putting great effort into all his work, especially in literacy - and over the last few days I've noticed a change and he seems to be getting the reading bug, which is great to see.  He's really progressing with his reading and writing, and seems to be enjoying it which is good.  No doubt M will be feeling hard done by because he didn't get an award today, so I'll have to deal with the fallout from that.  S is taking the boys to Energi later which is a new trampoline park that has opened in York this afternoon.  I'm really anxious about it because S is going on the trampolines as well - I can't remember the last time he did strenuous exercise, and given what has happened to me recently I'm very jumpy (*excuse the pun).  I've told him my worries and he's basically dismissed them, so thanks for that!  I'd have preferred it if just the boys went but it does look like fun so I can see why S wants to have a go.

Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and lets hope I feel better than I have at times today.  My PMA seems to have deserted me a bit at the moment, it all seems too big, scary and daunting.  Must do better....

Losing my direction

OK so this focussing on recovering and changing aspects of my life that put strain on my body and cause stress is proving harder than I thought - I'm ashamed to admit that I feel as though I have lost my way somewhat.  Always being the one driving everything, taking the initiative, and being disciplined is hard and I can't decide if I'm simply not up to the job, can't change the things I need to change because they are too deeply instilled, or need some support from somewhere.  Much as I'm inclined to believe the first and second ones of these, I think I'm going to choose support - not sure where to access that, but I need a bit of someone telling me what to do to keep me on the straight and narrow.  I think otherwise I'm at risk of frittering away this recovery time and not getting the best out of it so that I make the changes that will keep me healthy and happy.   I seem to be very good at the analysis of my situation and behaviour but not so good at setting objectives and sticking to them.  Perhaps that has always been a problem of mine - I've tried many times to lose weight, and always fell short of the target, mainly because of a lapse and then not getting straight back on with things, or not having the time to plan my meals and things.

It is hard to know exactly what to tackle and in what order.  I think at the moment though I don't feel that much has really changed.  Yes I'm a stone lighter (thanks to a fortunate side effect of some of the meds I'm on), and I am gradually increasing my activity, but not perhaps in the way that I need to.  I really feel that next week will help, when I get my exercise test and echocardiogram which will give me more information about my capabilities and how to build my strength up.

I'm finding looking after the boys quite stressful and that worries me - I feel constant pressure from them to do things for them, get things for them etc - and sometimes from all sides.  S doesn't get the same at all.  Nor does he get two boys landing on him when he sits down on a sofa to relax - whilst the cuddles are nice, sometimes I just want to sit and maybe watch something on tv.  I hate it when they argue, it is impossible to play games with them at the moment because J in particular (but M as well to some extent) is such a bad loser, and can't hack it if he doesn't get the hang of something immediately.  Sometimes I wish I could say to them ok, now we are going to do xxxx and have them both just go along with it with no argument.  No chance.

On the positive side - I've still had no definite symptoms from my heart - a couple of suspect moments but nothing that I can definitively say is something happening there.  My blood pressure is good, and I've taken every tablet I've been asked to since I was first admitted to hospital - and believe me that is a lot of pills.  Also, I am not having any reaction to increasing my activity level so far, but I'm too scared to really test myself to the point of breathlessness, which I think is perhaps what I'm meant to be doing.

I also have two extremely happy and excited boys as I have managed to get Dan TDM tour tickets for his Sheffield show on 17th September.  I wound them up by telling them it was sold out, then revealed that when I went on the website this morning at 10am it wasn't sold out, and I bought 3 tickets.  There is still one extra big surprise that I haven't told them about.  S doesn't want to come with us, so I will just have to ogle at young Dan (whilst remembering that he is young enough to be my son).

I'd better go before M sees what I've just typed - he keeps coming over and trying to read what I've written on here.  In terms of my reflections on getting over the heart attack, I will sleep on it and come to some decisions as to how to take things forward tomorrow.  Am I procrastinating?  Probably but I need to do some thinking and info gathering as well.  Hey ho...

DRIVING away from home.....

Today I did my first driving after the heart attack - I wasn't allowed to drive for 4 weeks, as the DVLA stipulate that after a heart attack, but after that you are fine to drive.  Of course, not doing things by halves, I planned an epic journey to IKEA and Costco to do some shopping.  OK not the most interesting trip but I have missed getting out just to do my own shopping and just generally having a mooch round.  

As is normal for these things, I managed to spend £62 in IKEA on storage boxes, plastic bags, pens and paints (that we didn't really need), and got some Maribou Chocolate, which you seem to only be able to get from IKEA.  I also had some meatballs, but I have to say I didn't enjoy them at all, and I left most of the chips.  I know my appetite is slightly below what it was, which is a very good thing, but I also seem to have developed an aversion to eating really bad stuff like chips and sweets.  

It was just nice doing something fairly normal and boring, and getting myself back (literally) into the driving seat.  Actually I was a bit apprehensive beforehand, but once I got going it was completely fine.  Tomorrow's plan is to go up to York to look for birthday presents for M, he wants a replica FC Barcelona 16-17 Home kit, and some goalkeeping gloves.  

I have started reading a book on stress management - for some reason I'm finding it hard to force myself to try relaxation techniques, like meditations and listening to the cd that the cardiac rehab nurse gave me.  I think that I feel a bit silly doing stuff like that so I feel a bit self conscious, but I guess I need to grow up a bit and realise it is for my own good.  I'm also nervous about exercising - I really need those supervised sessions to get going, but I don't have a date for those as yet.  So far, much of what I have read is about the effects of stress, not really how to deal with it and how to adapt so that you don't get stressed to the point where you have a heart attack!   

I know that recently I have identified two things that I do that could be adding to my stress - one is definitely overthinking things and worrying about what might happen before it happens.  I think this comes from an upbringing where I was always expected to be prepared for every eventuality - a sensible strategy in some ways, but it has perhaps led me to worry about things unnecessarily (and automatically).  The other thing is stepping in when I think my in laws need help - in a way I've got to let others get on with it to some degree, but I find it difficult when I can see things that need sorting.

It is scary how something like this affects your confidence, I find that I'm looking at things in a different light - am I, or will I be capable of doing this?  Like going trampolining with the boys - will I ever be fit enough to do that? Will I ever be able to jog/run?  Do weights? Play tennis?  And in terms of work, will I have the stamina to do my job full time?  Will I need to/be allowed to go part-time if I can't?  It is tricky when you don't really know exactly how much the heart attack is going to constrain things, and also we don't know yet how well things have recovered - I have an echocardiogram and an exercise test on 15th July which will look at how my heart is working - hopefully all will be well and I can get on with things, and putting my life back together, perhaps slightly differently to how it was, a bit more laid back and planned perhaps....

We also need to have a family holiday and at the moment I'm kind of at the mercy of hospital appointments really - I don't want to slow anything down by not being available.  Hey ho, I'm sure it will all come out in the wash... I just feel that a little more certainty in my life would be helpful, and would help me to feel a bit more secure.   

Overall though, today was a good day - I drove, I shopped and I felt fine with it.  I was out of the house for 5 hours and I don't feel too shattered afterwards.  I guess I will have done a fair bit of walking too, but I need to up the pace a bit.  I'll leave that for tomorrow.....

Troubled....

A busy weekend comes to an end - it seems to have galloped by, but in some ways I am ready for the thinking time that being off work is giving me. We have had good times and bad this weekend, but yet again more illustrations of situations where I get really stressed and need to change the way I deal with stuff.

Saturday the boys had auditions at PQA, for parts in the musical that they will be performing in London in May 2017. J dealt with it with his usual confidence - he knows he's brilliant so no need for nerves! M on the other hand was worried and teary, but both came out with big grins on their faces, so it wasn't such a bad experience.

The school Fayre was on Saturday afternoon, looked like it was a big success and very well organised. I spent way more money than intended, as the bank of Mum kept being drawn on.

The stressful stuff this weekend concerned my mother in law, with her dementia she is having spectacular delusions and hallucinations - people at the side of her bed trying to get her, 3 dead babies, several different Bobs (my father in law) and then crying for her mum (who died 60 years back) and worrying that her mum would tell her off for being late home. She was aggressive, kicking my father in law repeatedly, refusing to get up and dressed etc.  I had popped round to see what they wanted to do for lunch and I ended up lying on her bed with her trying to convince her that everything was alright and nobody was trying to hurt her. I seem to be a good calming influence on her.

We had a surprise visitor, S's older brother who came up to see his mum and dad, it was good to see him and good for him to see what his mum was like on a bad day. Despite the circumstances it was nice to see him.

What  concerns me is how I manage to end up doing exactly what I am not really supposed to be doing which is gettininvolved with my mother in law's care, and also being the one organising things. I guess the one positive was that Steve came and took over caring for mum in law because he knew I shouldn't be doing it, which got the messagetacrossthatI can't keep stepping in. I feel another call to social services coming on, to sort out some respite care. We spent the afternoon at the cinema seeing TheSecret Life of Pets - not bad but the trailers had given me veryhighexpectations and they weren't really met. I thought it was going to be more observational but it was more of adventure story. The boys enjoyed it though which was the purpose of the trip.

So another week begins with the added bonus that I am now allowed to drive, so I can go places! However I think tomorrow will be spent in the company of self help books to look at how I can deal with things better and without getting stressed. Could be a long day...

Worrying developments

My post today continues from where I left off yesterday really - I am getting really concerned that I don't know how to change some of the behaviours that have led me to have a heart attack.  I've had a few worries over the last couple of days and have been unable to stop myself from getting wound up about them, and also from dwelling on them.  I've had various suggestions about how I might stop myself from fretting about things, and I guess I need to work through them.

Basically I've ended up involved in sorting out part of my mother in law's care again because I can't just leave her when I think she is suffering and she really did need checking over by a doctor, and my father in law was reluctant to take her until next week.  I just can't keep out of things - but does that mean I'm doing something wrong?   I then ended up having to go with her to the docs, and look after her while she had a blood test while my father in law popped home to get something.  Easier said than done I have to say, but I managed, but I'm sure it wasn't the best thing for my blood pressure!   I had to grab her hand to stop her from grabbing the needle because it hurt when it went in.  Good job I'm not squeamish!

Then today I've been worrying about school and what classes the boys are going to be in next year.  They keep delaying letting parents know which makes me think that there is going to be something likely to upset parents.  I'm really concerned about M, he'll be Year 5 and I think he is way underachieving because school don't challenge him and their expectations seem low to me.  I know he is capable of so much more.  I wish we were loaded so I could send him to private school sometimes, but failing that I think next year I will have to look at options for getting him some extra tuition.  I just want people to see his potential - I am not expecting him to be top of the class or anything, but I just want to see them get the best out of him, and inspire him. He is coasting and he is bored, and has no interest in schoolwork.
For J, I expect he'll probably end up staying in Class 2, because he is one of the younger ones, while the others move to class 3 with older children and a better teacher. If that happens, he'll be absolutely gutted.   I'd also like him to be moved away from a couple of children in that class who's behaviour is lets say... suspect.  Of course they are also in the younger half of the class.

We were told in a newsletter that we would be told today about the classes, but we have had no communication so far.  Rumour has it that the Head doesn't want to release it until after tomorrow's school summer fair.  I guess he wants to be well out of the way when the s**t hits the fan....  Aaarghh!

Health wise, I feel fine although I did feel stressed earlier, and I don't know what I can do to deal with it differently.  Writing about it has helped, and I know I can't do much about the school situation, but I also don't know how to switch off the worrying - and I need to learn how to do that and fast.   Any advice would be much appreciated - one thing I need to do is look at Stephen Covey's 7 habits book as one of my friends who is also a psychologist has suggested I work through something in there.  Worth a try I guess....  

On the plus side - the cats seem to be getting along a little better - still the odd hiss, but they are not stressed out by each other's presence any more.  Here's a picture taken earlier - pretty good!

Stop the world...recovery in progress

Sometimes in my little bubble it feels like life should just hang on a bit while I get my recovery time. All stress should be unable to land on me during this time and when I am better I should then emerge back where I was. But...life doesn't work like that.  Dementia in loved ones does not go away to allow one to recover from a heart attack,  and that is perhaps the biggest source of stress in my life with both mine and S's mums in the advanced stages of it. Today S's mum was having a really bad day, confused, distressed, seeing and imagining things and in terrible pain when she sat down. She has barely eaten for the last 2 weeks and now weighs less than 6 stone. A lot of the time she is unsettled and agitated, or feeling sick and barely able to stand.  Today she thought that one of the carers was trying to have her wicked way with my father in law, and also thought she had a chicken stuffed up her top. You have to kind of laugh at the bizarreness and randomness of it all, but it is really upsetting to see someone you love in that condition. Anyway I was really worried about her today because of the pain she was in, the fact that she seemed on the verge of collapse and also because my father in law seemed to think it could wait until next week. In the end I could not rest and S suggested I ring the doctor, which I did. The doc wants to see her tomorrow and also wants me to go along for the appointment, oh joy.  And I am the one supposed to be keeping out of it all! I can't leave her in pain though, and also looking so frail without getting her checked over. Does that make me my own worst enemy?

Another source of concern is school - we find out tomorrow what classes the boys will be in next year. I am hoping and praying that both boys go up a class and don't get held back because of their ages - they are both ready for a change.  Being born in June andAugust sucks because school seem to think it is ok to keep the younger ones down with the year below when they split classes and M gets really bored because particularly at the end of the school year he isn't being challenged. I hate that I feel powerless to change anything in school when I don't think it is right for the boys. The head doesn't seem to take parental concerns very seriously, or if he does there doesn't seem to be much action. 

Today has worried me a bit, it scares me that I could so easily end up back in the same position that got me to the stage when I had a heart attack. Sometimes though it is a balancing act, it would stress me more knowing that mum in law was in pain and nothing was being done about it. But I shouldn't have to be the one that acts when something is amiss, especiallynot at the moment.

 Aaarghh!

On the positive side I got some sorting out done in the house and my cats seem to be starting to get along again, maybe that means peace and harmony is restored! I watched some great tennis on tv and one of my friends got the brilliant news from her MRI scan that her cancer has shrunk to the point where it can't be seen on the scan. Way to go Ali!

Escaping the village!

Today I plotted and carried out a daring escape from the village.  I boarded the No 18 bus and headed for the giant metropolis that is the city of York.  My mission - to boldly go and investigate the sales in my favourite clothes shops, and also to call in and surprise them at work.   

Well I learned lots - firstly the bus drivers in our area are a bit crazy, hurtling down the narrow country roads at alarming speed - best not to focus on what is going on.  Second that I can actually walk a fair distance without stopping, and without feeling any discomfort whatsoever.  I must have walked at least a couple of miles, which is way more than I've done on any other day since the heart attack.   Third, the weather in this country is unpredictable and today turned out wet and cold, and I wasn't dressed for it.  Fourth,  that I don't look like someone who has recently had a heart attack.  I guess my own expectation would be that a recent heart attack victim would look grey and haggard and frail, and I don't look any of those things.  I would say that I look quite a bit healthier than I did before it happened, and my colleagues echoed that when they saw me today.  The new hair helps I guess, but I can see that I look better complexion wise.  So much so that I'm not wearing make up at all at the moment, whereas I was slapping it on before I got ill, to try and make me look vaguely human.  Perhaps I looked more like the perceived image of a heart attack victim BEFORE it happened.  I know I owe a lot to the skill and knowledge of the doctors that have treated me, and also the tablets I'm on!

I was quite moved by the reception I got from colleagues at work - I guess that it had been a shock for them to hear what had happened to me, and I was surprised by how much people had worried about me.  It was nice to talk about a few things going on at work and catch up with developments.  There is a major restructure going on within the University at the moment, so lots of comings and goings, new appointments and role changes.  There isn't much that affects me directly, and I'm looking forward to us being a School of Languages and Linguistics which will be great for everyone in the department.  Nothing against the Business School (which we were part of before the restructure) but there isn't really much synergy there, and being part of that faculty really didn't work for us - it was more like we were kind of tagged on because it fit in terms of numbers of students and staff etc and made our faculty a similar size to the others. 

It was nice seeing a couple of friends today - unplanned too.  I had lunch with one as we met in Pret A Manger.  She's been having a stressful time, and was shocked to hear what I'd been up to.  I think it does tend to put things in perspective, although I wish I wasn't the example having that effect on people.  Another friend was on the bus for both journeys so we chatted on the bus, and took our minds off the crazy driving!  I'll be glad when I can drive myself places from Sunday, although I've got to make sure that I plan things carefully so I'm leaving enough time to get places without stress.

So after my bold and daring adventures I was quite tired, so had a nanna nap when I got home, and got a nice cuddle from Ossie the cat.  She still isn't recognising her sister although things are improving - they have touched noses, although that was closely followed by a hiss and a growl just to make sure Elsa knew where she stood.   

Now I've got the tennis on and we have Marcus Willis (world number 772) playing Roger Federer, and loving it.  He is losing, and that was always going to happen, but what an amazing experience for someone who had almost given up on a tennis career prior to having this run in the qualifying and now getting through to the second round at Wimbledon.  You can see the joy in his face at what he is experiencing.  Just another example that anything is possible... Leicester City won the Premier League after all, oh and Iceland beat England in Euro 2016 (perhaps try and forget that one!).  I wonder what is possible for me in the future?  Maybe I'll run 5k one day??  Play tennis again?  Become a Senior Lecturer or more at work?  Write a book?  Sing in a choir?  Act?  One thing I do want to do is inspire my kids, and that is something that I haven't done up until now - make them proud of their mummy rather than having them wishing I was fitter, slimmer, more energetic, etc etc.